Talking with Kids
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Specific Questions Invite Kids to Open Up
“Whether you have a preschooler or a preteen, a well-meaning but general question often only produces a one-word answer. Instead, try asking a specific question. A specific question lets your child know you are really listening, acknowledges his feelings and encourages him to respond with a specific answer.”
Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
Co-author, Raising Cain, Senior Project Advisor
Specific Questions Invite Kids to Open Up
“Whether you have a preschooler or a preteen, a well-meaning but general question often only produces a one-word answer. Instead, try asking a specific question. A specific question lets your child know you are really listening, acknowledges his feelings and encourages him to respond with a specific answer.”
Michael Thompson, Ph.D.
Co-author, Raising Cain, Senior Project Advisor
Repeat what you heard. It’s often useful to restate what you heard and put your child’s feelings into words. You might say, “You wanted a turn on the swing right now, didn’t you?” or, “You seem sad about going to day care today.” These reflective statements acknowledge and give words to your child’s feelings. However, do this carefully. If a child is in the middle of a tantrum, saying “You’re really mad and out of control!” may aggravate the situation rather than help it.
Ask specific questions to gather more information. You might say, “Can you tell me exactly what happened?” If it makes sense to talk some more, you might ask, “What upset you the most?” Follow-up questions both acknowledge your child’s feelings and get her talking about them. And they help you gather more information, so you can better understand what actually happened and how your child is thinking about it.
See the situation through your child’s eyes. You know how you feel when your boss or partner says, “That’s ridiculous,” or insists you really like something you know you hate? Kids feel the same way when parents say, “You don’t really mean that,” or “I can’t believe you said that!”
Acknowledge your child’s feelings. In response to your child’s statement, you might simply say, “I’m glad to know that,” or “I understand.” At times, this acknowledgement is all your child needs to hear.
Try not to contradict your child’s statement immediately, even if you think he’s wrong. Hear him out before saying no. If your child says, “I don’t want to go to school anymore,” instead of saying “You have to go,” you might ask, “What’s the worst thing about it?”
Pause to consider your child’s question. This forces you to slow down and helps you not to make a snap judgment, even if the answer is, “No, we are not getting a bunny.” Pausing makes your child feel heard, because you have stopped to consider her opinion; it also diminishes the chances of a power struggle.
Share your thinking out loud. Your children will enjoy being included in your thought processes. If your child asks for a sleep over, you might say, “I know you want a sleep over, but your grandmother may want to see you this weekend when she visits. Let me talk to her.” In this way your child knows how you arrive at your decision.
Allow your child’s negative feelings to come out, even if they are hard to take. Simply being there, without saying much, may soothe and comfort your child. Sometimes you just need to wait it out until the feeling is expressed.
Avoid attacking your child’s character. If your child acts out, instead of saying, “Bad girl, how dare you speak to me that way,” you might say, “That kind of language is not OK.” In this way, you are separating the behavior from the child. You don’t want to imply that your child is intrinsically bad, or make her ashamed of her feelings.
Tell your child how her behavior makes you feel. “Don’t hide your feelings,” advises John Gottman, Ph.D., author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. “In fact, your feelings may be the best form of discipline, as long as they are not used to attack your child.” You might express the depth of your emotions with phrases such as, “I am very disappointed in what you did,” or, “It makes me sad that you lied to me.”
Grant in fantasy what you can’t give in reality. If your child badly wants something that he can’t have, encourage him to imagine what he wants — and talk about it. You might say, “What would you do if we could stop the car right now?” or, “I bet you wish Mommy was here right now. What would you want to do with her?” (And then, stand in for Mommy and do it, if the request is reasonable and possible.)
Ask a child what he wants to happen or would like to change. If your child complains about something specific, you might ask him to suggest some improvements. For example, if he says, “I hate music class because Mr. Block is so mean,” you might first ask, “What’s the meanest thing Mr. Block did?” Then, follow up and ask, “What do you wish your teacher had done instead?”
Use dialogue to find solutions. By first letting your child vent negative feelings, and then asking him to imagine a different scenario, you are encouraging him not only to discuss the problem, but to become part of the solution.
Use humor — but not at your child’s expense. Not every conflict needs to be resolved through serious discussion. Sometimes humor is the best way out. You might say, “Ouch, that hurts!” instead of “Don’t talk to me that way, young man!” Rather than “Clean your room now!” you might say, “This place is a like a biology lab! I don’t see mold yet, but it’ll start growing soon!”
Try a playful approach, not a critical one. If you’re struggling over what your preschooler should wear, try, “Let’s see what you can put on your doll and then find something like that for you.” You could joke with your school-age child about “how dumb I am” instead of criticizing him for criticizing you. You could even suggest ten minutes of your child’s favorite activity before getting down to homework.
Focus on the positive before bringing up the negative. For example, if your child pulls a practical joke that makes a mess, you might say, “Clever. Ingenious. Now clean it up.” If he brings home a test with mistakes, first comment on what he got right before discussing what he got wrong.
Admit your mistakes. Ask your child for help in figuring out what to do. Kids love to hear parents admit they were wrong. You might say, “Am I making a mess of this? Should we try to figure it out a different way?”
Tell a funny story about yourself as a child. Most kids love to hear stories about their parents growing up. You might tackle a tough topic by describing what happened to you in a similar situation when you were a kid. However, don’t turn all conversations into stories about you. Constantly saying, “I know how you feel, let me tell you what happened to me,” may annoy more than amuse.
Remember that you are bigger than your child — so get on her level. Imagine what it feels like to look up at someone every time you speak or to try to catch someone’s attention from floor level. To help your child hear you, get down where she is and make eye contact. This sends a signal that you are listening and that you care what she’s thinking.
Offer limited choices. Choices give kids a sense of power and control. Instead of saying, “Time to get dressed,” you might say, “Do you want the red shirt or the blue one?” Offer two choices, not five or six. You might say, “Do you want peas or green beans?” or “Do you want to brush your teeth first or comb your hair?”
Speak as simply as possible. A one-sentence answer may be much more effective than a long explanation. Children are often satisfied with a simple, direct answer that addresses their main concern. A lengthy explanation may confuse or bore your child.
Listen to your tone instead of your words. At times, it’s not what say, but the way you say it that makes an impact. Kids sense what their parents are feeling. Often, they are not listening to your words so much as looking at your face and reacting to the tone of your voice.
Listen to yourself from your child’s perspective. If you feel a conflict brewing, ask yourself, “Would I like to be spoken to this way?” If you don’t like the way you sound, ask yourself, “Am I mad about something without realizing it?”
Avoid leading questions. Questions that include an answer, such as, “Don’t you want to change your clothes before we leave?” or, “Wouldn’t you like to apologize to your sister now?” are really orders, not queries. These questions are likely to provoke a sullen response, or a plain old “NO.”
Instead, ask valid questions. Questions such as “What you do you like (or hate) most about school right now?” will produce real answers. A real question about food might be, “You haven’t been eating much lunch lately, what would you like to have today?” In comparison, a leading question on the same topic would be, “You know you like peanut butter, don’t you want some?”
Avoid general questions. Whether you have a preschooler or a preteen, well-meaning but general questions such as “How was school?” often produce only one-word answers, such as “good,” “bad” or “OK.” General questions often lead to dead-end conversations.
Instead, ask specific questions to inspire productive conversations. Refer to something that happened recently, such as, “Is Spanish class getting any easier?” These questions work because they draw on your child’s unique experience and therefore elicit specific responses.
Find out what your child knows already. If your child asks you a difficult question (about sex, death, politics, etc.), you might simply ask, “What have you heard?” This allows your child to tell you what she understands — or misunderstands — and perhaps what concerns are prompting her question.
Keep your answers simple. Give answers that are appropriate for your child’s age. One simple sentence may be enough. Underneath a child’s question, she may be worried about her safety, so offer reassurance. You might describe the different ways she is safe and say, “The policeman is there to protect us,” or, “The flight attendant is showing us how to stay safe on the airplane.”
Ask more questions. For example, if your child asks you about people being injured on the news, you might say, “I feel sad those people got hurt. How do you feel?”
Offer choices only when there really is a choice. Be clear about negotiable and non-negotiable situations. If your child refuses to go to school, you might say, “I know you don’t feel like going to school today. We still have to leave in ten minutes.”
Preschoolers: Ages 2-5
Preschoolers Need to Say “No”
“For a preschooler sometimes ‘no’ is not meant to start a power struggle, it’s simply an expression of self. ‘NO let me do it alone. No, I do it.’ It’s important to remember that your child may simply be doing his job growing up, and saying ‘yes’ to himself, rather than ‘no’ to you.”
Susanna Neumann, Ph.D.
Child Psychoanalyst
How They Communicate
Between ages two and three, many preschoolers begin to use more complicated sentences. However, this does not mean that they understand all of an adult’s words or abstract concepts. In fact, preschoolers are often very literal thinkers and interpret ideas concretely. Many are only beginning to think logically and understand sequences of events.
“No” and “Why” become common words for young preschoolers. Saying “No” is a way a preschooler claims her space. Saying “Why” is a wish to understand the world around her. “Why” is also a word preschoolers use to question authority. Underneath the question, they are saying “Why do you have power over me when I want to feel autonomous?”
Preschoolers like to participate in decisions. This gives them a feeling of control and independence. A preschooler might think, “I can take a different position from my mother — and I like it.” Or, “By saying what I want, I am a big kid.”
Preschoolers love to imitate other people’s words. They often mimic comments, phrases and sophisticated statements. At times they misuse or exaggerate phrases, particularly during pretend play. A preschooler might say to a doll, “You are so bad you are going to jail for 100 years!”
Preschoolers like to hear about and describe the same event over and over. By telling and listening to stories, preschoolers begin to form opinions about the world and how they fit into it. They say “tell me again,” because hearing a story many times makes them feel safe and secure. When the story is repeated, it also allows them to imagine new scenarios.
Preschoolers like to make up their own explanations. This helps them make sense of things they are only beginning to understand. For example, a preschooler might explain her sadness about winter being over by saying, “When the snow melts, the winter is crying.” Preschoolers may also embellish stories with wishful thinking.
Between three and five, preschoolers refine their understanding of cause and effect. Older preschoolers can understand simple explanations of cause and effect such as “The medicine will help you get well” and “If you eat healthy food, you will grow big and strong.”
School Age: Ages 6-11
How They Communicate
School-age kids begin to view the world in complex ways. At this stage, children often move from being concrete thinkers to being more reflective ones. They think more logically about world events, while still viewing them subjectively. They start to look at causes and begin asking more challenging questions.
Between the ages of 6 and 11, kids become purposeful. They think in advance about what they want and often have a plan for how to get it. Because their communication style is impulsive and driven by their desires, it may mask how deep, loving and wise they are inside.
School-age kids alternately feel dependent, resistant or even rebellious toward their parents. This confusing behavior can be quite nerve-wracking for parents. School-age kids may appear needy for days and then suddenly throw tantrums. They become insulted if their parents treat them in ways they consider babyish, even though at other times they still want to be babied.
School-age kids question, doubt and criticize their parents. They no longer consider Mom and Dad to be the sole authorities. This questioning is normal, and it means they are becoming critical thinkers. They may appear to distance themselves from, or even reject, the people they love most.
School-age kids begin to tailor their communication styles to their surroundings. Younger kids usually communicate with one style no matter where they are or who they are with. As school-age kids spend more time away from home, they often develop new patterns of speaking based on what their friends are saying or what they hear on television.
School-age kids may become private about their thoughts. No matter how positive a relationship a school-age child has with his parents, he may now begin to shut them out as his life outside the home begins to compete with his home life.
School-age kids develop a more sophisticated sense of humor. They enjoy telling jokes and puns and playing more advanced games. They can understand more grown-up media and analyze the rules and premises of the games they play.